Sometimes ninja films are hard to take seriously. Wait, "sometimes?"
Like all reviews in The Film Feministe, I strive to reveal a brief synopses of a film as well as an analysis. Occasionally my reviews include minor plot spoilers; caveat emptor.
A not-so-secret? I like action films. Or rather, I watch them, especially when I want to put my brain in Neutral and hand-sew or knit (or in the case this last couple days, to rest – I am fighting a head cold). One can’t enjoy – let alone critique – an action film without a hefty dose of Suspending Disbelief and a desire to see stuff blown up or punched or perhaps an “ethnic” fruit market driven through by a police car (alternatively said vehicle will annihilate cardboard boxes in an alleyway). Of further note, action films are often so incredibly and boringly sexist (and racist, ageist, and homophobic to boot) that if I get a heroine who doesn’t show 3/4ths of her cleavage as she stands and squeaks while the menfolk do the fighting (pick up the gun, lady!) I’m at least a bit happier than I otherwise might have been. So I try to watch an action film that promises a good enough time and a lot of escapism and hopefully some watchable hijinks. On that note and without further ado… I give thee Film Feministe: Ninja Tedium Edition!
Ninja Assassin (2009)
Trivia question: do you know what situs inversus is? It’s a pretty rare condition whereby the organs in one’s chest and abdomen are arranged in a mirror image of, you know, everyone else’s. It effects less than one out of 10,000 people.
In the case of 2009′s action adventure Ninja Assassin, the relevant point is as follows: in cases of situs inversus the heart is located on the right side of the chest and thereby will resist the kind of stabbing technique you or I, or let’s say your average ninja, would employ to kill this person. And not to be a Ruin McSpoilerpants but this particular biological anomoly comes up twice via two separate characters in the film (and no, they’re not related). The fact the film uses this at all, let alone twice, well, it’s rather an indication of the caliber of writing inherant.
Oh, Ninja Assassin. I was so wanting to enjoy you. The first few minutes of the film I felt kind of hopeful we’d have an earnest, campy, over-the-top adventure with perhaps an adrenaline-pumping urban pop/house soundtrack (I felt this way about the partnering of Chow Yun-Fat and Mira Sorvino in 1998′s The Replacement Killers, which Ninja Assassin bore a passing resemblance to). Our first scene promises some badass silliness when a bunch of Yakuza thugs are massacred by ninjas as bloodthirsty and lethal as they are creative. Example: one fellow’s noggin is sliced off right at the jawline so you see his intact tongue and lower teeth bobbling on his neck as the top of his head flies artfully into the next close-up shot (I froze-frame the carnage and it still held up on closer inspection). So, well done on the gore front.
Yet instead of camp we are treated to an earnest and sluggish film chopped into backstory that then descends into shoot-’em-up, explosions, and prolific katana-fodder. Not to mention the Ultimate Movie Bad Guy (the ninja-clan patriarch, a douche of epic proportions) has a voice and demeanor totally lifted from Splinter in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (perhaps this would lend more gravitas to the film for some viewers; not so in my case). The story arc? Not so much. Let me break it down: secret ninja clan going back 1,000 years, turns out they’ve been behind every cool and mysterious assassination ever, and they’re soooooo badass (as the movie has several talking head governmental types assuring us multiple times), and they raise little kids to be all evil cold-blooded soldiers (who can also instantly heal 2″ deep gashes to their abdomens by using Thinky-Spiritual Magic), which most of the little kids (and later adults) seem to think is just dandy. No, I’m not making this up. So one little ninja by the name of Raizo gets a little resentful and for reasons explained in typical romantic-tragedy backstory starts to think the endless abuse and wretched life of ninja-slave isn’t that fun. He decides to leave and become a ninja-assassin resistance fighter, spending his time avoiding assassination himself and hanging out in his apartment practicing his skills. Meanwhile a cute cop – I mean Europol agent – named Mika Coretti (played by Naomi Harris) begins to uncover the whole ninja clan conspiracy, so Raizo feels compelled to protect her from the hordes of killers that set on her path. And Raizo and Mika almost have this romantic thing going on but the movie doesn’t even give us that much. You know a lot of big blockbuster films seem hesitant or unable to place an Asian male in the role of a romantic lead. Just sayin’.
Back to Ninja Assassin, ever heard the phrase freshets of blood? That’s what this film has. A veritable plethora of freshets, if I may be so inclined to mix fifty cent words (and I may). Yet unlike Quentin Tarantino’s over-the-top deliberate fetishization of arterial spray he used to deliberate and kitcshy exploitive effect in the Kill Bill series, Ninja Assassin seems to take the gushes of blood quite seriously. The ubiquitous and bountiful gore-splosions aren’t intended to be exaggerations (though they notably are), often showcased by a pornographic slow-motion geyser assisted by crew members offscreen chucking buckets stuff on our stars.
Still, Rain. In case you don’t know, Rain is the stage name of the Korean enterainer (pop singer, dancer, model, actor, businessperson, and designer) starring as the adult Raizo in the film. Anyway, I didn’t know much about Rain before seeing the film, but he was nice to watch and seems a talented enough soul if you go look him up online (which I did). Whatever lacked in the film, Rain made the whole thing worthwhile. The man is relatable, appealing, acts well enough (given the material), and is athletic, sexy and cuddly (the latter adjective probably just shows my age). I didn’t even mind scenes where he apparently took the trouble to set up these elaborate jungle gyms in his apartment and then kick at them and swing his kusarigama around with much fanfare. As in: seriously, it would take you a couple hours to set up the obstacle course and then you’d tap the whole thing out in three-point-four minutes of leaping about (after applying prodigious amounts of chest-grease).
I’ll be looking for Rain in the future – or perhaps re-watching Speed Racer, another Wachowski-produced adrenalin-fest he plays a part in. I wish the young man a successful Hollywood career, albeit perhaps with a bit better writing and a little less soaking by a Karo syrup concoction.
Photo credit: super green ninja “with lasers“, by TheAlieness GiselaGiardino²³ at Flickr.
Mentioned:
The Replacement Killers (1998)